Few dispute the apocalypse
is nigh. It’s the
method
of destruction that’s being
debated. Some say the end will
be quick, while others say the
demise of our species may last
many, many years. I’ve heard
folks in the latter camp claim
that during this prolonged
struggle, zombies will rule the
planet. There’s not much we
can do in a swift-exit scenario,
but preparing for a zombie
threat could be a smart move.
Oh, you laugh? Well, on
the internet I saw an authentic
draft of the pamphlet
the Federal government is
preparing on how to defend
yourself in a zombie invasion,
so I don’t really think this is a
laughing matter. The government
plan was well written,
and although I agreed with
most of it, unfortunately the
authors fell a bit short. They
did not mention the
guitar.
Instead, they focused primarily
on protecting self, family,
friends, lovers, and pets. But
no mention of one’s cherished
axe? That’s a huge oversight. I
mean, really.
The problem with the
guitar is that it can attract
zombies. So, lacking direction
from our leaders, it’s important
that we take matters into our
own hands and zombie-proof
our instruments. Here’s what
you need to know:
1) Get in tune—and stay
there. Zombies are attracted
to unpleasant noises, especially
those that sound like a human
shrieking in fear (they either
think it’s the real deal or it’s just
a bit of a turn-on . . . it’s hard
to say for sure) or those that
induce people to scream out—
y’know, like Pavlov’s dog, and
all. Anyway, poorly tuned guitars
rank high on the list of the
world’s most unpleasant noises.
There are several reasons
a guitar will not play or stay
in tune. First, “not playing in
tune” means that even after
you’ve tuned all six strings to
perfect pitch with an electronic
tuner, when you fret chords in
certain regions of the fretboard,
they don’t sound right. This is
a problem of
intonation.
Few people have perfect
pitch, so many guitarists are
unaware that their guitars are
not properly intonated. Spend
some time in a music store and
you’ll realize how bad the problem
is. Why is it that the guy
who insists on playing the loudest
usually sucks the most at tuning
a guitar? These guys are big-time
zombie attractors. Please!
Get your guitar professionally set
up and learn to tune it.
The setup should include
bridge adjustment with a
strobe tuner, as well as other
intonation-improving procedures
like checking the depth
of each nut slot, adjusting the
truss rod, and setting the correct
action. These adjustments
are all interrelated. A pro
understands how changing one
element affects the others and
knows how to get the entire
system working harmoniously.
Then there’s “staying in
tune”—which is a very big
deal for humans reluctant to
join the ranks of the undead
(or their next meal). Do you
find your strings going out of
tune after a short period of
playing? If you aggressively
stretch the strings where the
neck meets the body, this will
work better than buying fancy
locking tuners. Pull up on
each string and wiggle it three
or four times, then tune it up
to pitch. Repeat this operation
until stretching the strings no
longer pulls them out of tune.
The G string usually needs the
most attention.
Get some “key lock” lubricant
from the hardware store
and grease those nut slots. This
substance is a black graphite
powder you can dab in the nut
slot under the string. You can
also use this to blind zombies:
Squirt the powder in their eyes
and then run like hell!
2) Use tube amps. There’s
credible evidence that zombies
recoil at the sound of
loud second-order harmonics
(which humans seem to enjoy,
particularly in high-gain distortion)
because they make
a guitar sound fat and rich,
rather than jagged and edgy.
Also, you can break the tubes
and use them as weapons, if,
God forbid, it comes to that.
In a worst-case scenario, you
might entice a zombie to stick
her hand inside the chassis and
fondle a filter cap. A shocking
thought!
3) Get a wireless system.
This one will be pretty controversial,
but hear me out: A
wireless enables you to keep
jamming if you’re forced to
escape to the “safe room.”
Other than that, I see no reason
to use one.
4) Change your strings.
They don’t get dirty from dirt,
they get dirty from DNA. This
is bad for two reasons: First, it
deadens your strings by causing
intonation, sustain, and
tuning problems. Second, it
can undead-en
you. Yup, your
dead skin and blood on those
strings can attract a zombie
from over a mile away.
5) Practice. See, if you
suck, that’s just another form
of unpleasant noise. And we
know who goes for that, right?
6) Weaponize your rig.
Although any guitar can function
as a blunt implement for
destroying a zombie’s head or
removing its brain, something
with sharp edges and a more
aerodynamic profile—like a
B.C. Rich or perhaps a V-style
axe—will make the chore that
much easier and more effective.
Speaking of axes, whatever
you hear Mr. Simmons
say about the reasoning behind
his proprietary bass design,
don’t believe it—it’s safety first
for Gene!
Randy Parsons
builds guitars for Jack
White, Jimmy Page, Joe
Perry, and other adventurous
players using
out-of-the-box materials
like bone, flowers, copper,
and solid ebony.