Trying to figure out how to mix up your musical life this year? Here are some ideas.
Here we are again friends, at the beginning of the human construct known as the New Year. So, as is traditional here at Esoterica, I’m compelled to lay out some goals I’d like to pass on for the months ahead. A lot of things have happened and changed in the last few years, and yet things are oddly the same. The chase for the ultimate guitar tone remains with us, even as tone changes with the winds and whims of fashion. Still, I feel compelled to daydream about our opportunities to grow as musicians and passengers on spaceship Earth in the coming year. So, enough of my yakking—here’s the setlist:
Stop calling it a fingerboard. Unless you are playing a fretless instrument, the part of your instrument that harbors the frets is known as the fretboard. It’s a board, and it holds frets. I’ve taken heat for using the wrong term, so I’m working on this, too. We need solidarity here, so I promise to help you if you help me.
Learn the names of those “wacky” chords you use. It has never been easier to decode your fretboard. (See what I did there?) There are some great apps for this sort of detective work, and you probably already have one or more on your phone. I’ve been using GuitarToolkit for years as a mobile tuner. Like many of the other offerings out there, it has a function that lets you enter the chord voicing on a virtual fretboard, and it tells you what it is. You may not improve your playing, but it’s always empowering to discover you already know how to play Esus4.
Introduce a child to guitar music. I never really thought about this sort of thing before, but somebody’s got to do it. Parents subject their kids to junk food and stick-and-ball sports, so be an evangelist for the arts and put a cranked electric in the hands of a kid—and watch the fun begin. I built a kit guitar with my granddaughter for her birthday, and now she’s playing White Stripes songs. I can’t wait to show her some Tanya O’Callaghan and Larkin Poe videos! This year I’m going to get her little brother some drums just to annoy her parents.
Tune ’em down, speed ’em up, and strain those vocals like bloody murder. Before you know it, you’ll be touring stadium gigs packed with young fans who’ve never heard country music before.
Install a Floyd Rose on your Jazzmaster. Do I really have to explain this? It’s a natural progression to defile a classic instrument in order to piss off future generations of collectors. While you’re at it, put some active pickups in that vintage Harmony Rocket III and put the OG foil pickups on Reverb.
Rework some country tunes. Nothing is as edgy as bending genres. This is exactly what put classic acts like Led Zeppelin, Steve Miller, and the Black Keys on the musical map. My bet is on turning Garth Brooks and Dwight Yoakam ballads into modern anthems. Critics have called bro’ country “classic rock with a cowboy hat,” so here’s your opportunity to turn the tables for fun and profit. Tune ’em down, speed ’em up, and strain those vocals like bloody murder. Before you know it, you’ll be touring stadium gigs packed with young fans who’ve never heard country music before.
Refinish your relic Strat to mint condition. As long as we’re zigging while others zag, you may as well define the next big trend in guitars. Factory fresh is what you’re looking for, so make sure you use gobs of polyester clear to provide the final detail. And if you’re stuck with that minty PRS, go against the grain and refinish it with nitro and put it in the freezer until it checks like crazy. This goes over great at corporate gigs.
Befriend an aging musician. This is more of a cry for help on my part than advice to you. Just like a 23-year-old Peter Green introduced older Chicago bluesmen to sideways vibrato, you can teach old dogs new tricks too. The younger generations always have the latest innovations and techniques that can give has-been guitarists a new perspective and extend their careers. Move past the boomer jokes and help us understand that tone isn’t in our arthritic hands.
Get John Bohlinger to rundown your rig. Let’s face it, Bohlinger’s Rig Rundowns are the launching pad to stardom. He’s the man behind the careers of Joe Bonamassaand Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein. So why build your fanbase organically? That’s so 2019. Just think, you’ll be turning this page (or scrolling) and BOOM.
Stuck in a rut? Wu-Tang may be the answer.
By learning new songs, maintaining your gear, and watching Wu-Tang, you can become a better, more well-rounded musician.
One of the best parts of being a musician is being around other musicians, but that can also be the worst thing about it. If you want proof, consider the glut of musician jokes. My favorite is about how to get a bandmate to the gig on time, which involves lying about the time of the gig. I’m not always punctual, so it’s no surprise that by the time you read this, the window for New Year’s resolutions may be closed. So, in the spirit of being behind the band by an entire measure, here are my resolution picks for you to add to the existing pile.
Learn the intro and solo to Dire Straits’ “Sultans of Swing.”
Guitarists and civilians alike revere Mark Knopfler. In a world of dweedley, un-hummable solos, Knopfler’s semi-chicken picking is so identifiable that decoding and memorizing this song will be sure to break that faux-Metallica thing you’ve been doing since middle school.
Restring all your guitars.
I’m just as tardy as you are when it comes to changing strings—maybe worse. It’s really not so hard once you’ve done it 15 times in a row, assuming you only have 15 guitars. By then it shouldn’t take you more than 10 minutes each. Just for fun, buy a 10-pack of high E strings and break a few on purpose by over-tightening. This will teach you that it’s not going to poke your eye out after all. Life-changing.
Learn to intonate, while you’re at it.
This is another chore whose complexity is exaggerated beyond all reality. Compare an open string note to its octave at the 12th fret. If the octave is sharp, move the saddle away from the nut; if flat, go the other direction. This takes 5 minutes, and anyone who tells you different is a serious underachiever.
Reacquaint yourself with the actual sound of guitar.
This is scary, but you have to face your worst fears. Use the most powerful amp you have—hopefully 100 watts. Remove all effects pedals from the signal chain and turn the amp’s master volume all the way up. Lower the gain until there is zero distortion, and then play to a click track for four days. At your next band rehearsal, use this same setup and try to make it work. This is the equivalent of running with weights or banging your head against a wall because it will feel great when you stop. Don’t cheat by claiming a compressor isn’t really an effect.
Your style of music may not require the use of the major VII#11, but sometimes cool chords can spark new ideas for songs.
Let others take more solos.
Undoubtedly, you are the superior soloist in your circle of friends, but as a role model, you must do your bit to let others shine. This involves backing off on volume and supporting the soloist. Just pretend that you’re only doing what you wish the other players would do for you. Resist the temptation to jump in at all costs. This will go a long way to cementing your place as a benevolent dictator.
Learn to play the drums.
This may be biting off more than you can chew, but if pandemic lockdowns have taught us something, it’s that anything is possible. You don’t have to be Neil Peart; just learn rudiments and work on some good beats. This is really important if you are a bassist, but it will really strengthen your rhythm guitar chops, too. You can get a practice pad and sticks for about $25, so even if you bail on improving your timing and newfound appreciation for drummers, it’s not the end of the world.
Watch the Wu-Tang Clan documentary, Of Mics and Men.
It’s hard to break out of your own little bubble, but understanding the greater world of music is essential. Even if you’re already a fan, it’s good to know how genres evolve and influence other musicians. Bonus points if you watch with a guitar and play along.
Get that amp in the corner fixed.
Once consigned to the hinterlands of your music room, noisy or intermittent amplifiers just get worse. Bite the bullet and bring it to a good amp tech before things really deteriorate. It might just be something simple, and you’ll be happy you’ve supported a small music-related business too.
Learn some college chords.
This is important for your overall human development. You may have quit medical school, but you can still be a lifetime learner. Your style of music may not require the use of the major 7#11, but sometimes cool chords can spark new ideas for songs. And while you’re trying to get your fingers to obey, you might discover some other interesting chords, too.
I hope you take these resolutions to heart, and that they make you a better, wiser musician. Oh yeah … and try to be on time.