The problem with the guitar is that it can attract zombies.
Few dispute the apocalypse
is nigh. It’s the method
of destruction that’s being
debated. Some say the end will
be quick, while others say the
demise of our species may last
many, many years. I’ve heard
folks in the latter camp claim
that during this prolonged
struggle, zombies will rule the
planet. There’s not much we
can do in a swift-exit scenario,
but preparing for a zombie
threat could be a smart move.
Oh, you laugh? Well, on the internet I saw an authentic draft of the pamphlet the Federal government is preparing on how to defend yourself in a zombie invasion, so I don’t really think this is a laughing matter. The government plan was well written, and although I agreed with most of it, unfortunately the authors fell a bit short. They did not mention the guitar. Instead, they focused primarily on protecting self, family, friends, lovers, and pets. But no mention of one’s cherished axe? That’s a huge oversight. I mean, really.
The problem with the guitar is that it can attract zombies. So, lacking direction from our leaders, it’s important that we take matters into our own hands and zombie-proof our instruments. Here’s what you need to know:
1) Get in tune—and stay there. Zombies are attracted to unpleasant noises, especially those that sound like a human shrieking in fear (they either think it’s the real deal or it’s just a bit of a turn-on . . . it’s hard to say for sure) or those that induce people to scream out— y’know, like Pavlov’s dog, and all. Anyway, poorly tuned guitars rank high on the list of the world’s most unpleasant noises.
There are several reasons a guitar will not play or stay in tune. First, “not playing in tune” means that even after you’ve tuned all six strings to perfect pitch with an electronic tuner, when you fret chords in certain regions of the fretboard, they don’t sound right. This is a problem of intonation.
Few people have perfect pitch, so many guitarists are unaware that their guitars are not properly intonated. Spend some time in a music store and you’ll realize how bad the problem is. Why is it that the guy who insists on playing the loudest usually sucks the most at tuning a guitar? These guys are big-time zombie attractors. Please! Get your guitar professionally set up and learn to tune it.
The setup should include bridge adjustment with a strobe tuner, as well as other intonation-improving procedures like checking the depth of each nut slot, adjusting the truss rod, and setting the correct action. These adjustments are all interrelated. A pro understands how changing one element affects the others and knows how to get the entire system working harmoniously.
Then there’s “staying in tune”—which is a very big deal for humans reluctant to join the ranks of the undead (or their next meal). Do you find your strings going out of tune after a short period of playing? If you aggressively stretch the strings where the neck meets the body, this will work better than buying fancy locking tuners. Pull up on each string and wiggle it three or four times, then tune it up to pitch. Repeat this operation until stretching the strings no longer pulls them out of tune. The G string usually needs the most attention.
Get some “key lock” lubricant from the hardware store and grease those nut slots. This substance is a black graphite powder you can dab in the nut slot under the string. You can also use this to blind zombies: Squirt the powder in their eyes and then run like hell!
2) Use tube amps. There’s credible evidence that zombies recoil at the sound of loud second-order harmonics (which humans seem to enjoy, particularly in high-gain distortion) because they make a guitar sound fat and rich, rather than jagged and edgy. Also, you can break the tubes and use them as weapons, if, God forbid, it comes to that. In a worst-case scenario, you might entice a zombie to stick her hand inside the chassis and fondle a filter cap. A shocking thought!
3) Get a wireless system. This one will be pretty controversial, but hear me out: A wireless enables you to keep jamming if you’re forced to escape to the “safe room.” Other than that, I see no reason to use one.
4) Change your strings. They don’t get dirty from dirt, they get dirty from DNA. This is bad for two reasons: First, it deadens your strings by causing intonation, sustain, and tuning problems. Second, it can undead-en you. Yup, your dead skin and blood on those strings can attract a zombie from over a mile away.
5) Practice. See, if you suck, that’s just another form of unpleasant noise. And we know who goes for that, right?
6) Weaponize your rig. Although any guitar can function as a blunt implement for destroying a zombie’s head or removing its brain, something with sharp edges and a more aerodynamic profile—like a B.C. Rich or perhaps a V-style axe—will make the chore that much easier and more effective. Speaking of axes, whatever you hear Mr. Simmons say about the reasoning behind his proprietary bass design, don’t believe it—it’s safety first for Gene!
Randy Parsons builds guitars for Jack White, Jimmy Page, Joe Perry, and other adventurous players using out-of-the-box materials like bone, flowers, copper, and solid ebony.
Kick off the holiday season by shopping for the guitar player in your life at Guitar Center! Now through December 24th 2022, save on exclusive instruments, accessories, apparel, and more with hundreds of items at their lowest prices of the year.
We’ve compiled this year’s best deals in the 2022 Holiday Gift Guide presented by Guitar Center.
DiMarzio, Inc. announces the Relentless P (DP299), the Relentless J Bridge (DP301), Relentless J Neck (DP300), and the Relentless J Pair (DP302) for 4 string basses.
DiMarzio, Inc. announces the release of the Relentless P (DP299), the Relentless J Bridge (DP301), Relentless J Neck (DP300), and the Relentless J Pair (DP302) for 4 string basses. The new Relentless P and Relentless J series pickups feature the Relentless cover designed in collaboration with Billy Sheehan.
As with the Relentless pickups, we removed all the hard edges from the standard P Bass and standard J Basspickups, and added an arch to the top of the pickups to bring the sensing coils and pole pieces closer to the strings. These improvements increase the dynamic range and make active circuitry unnecessary.
The Relentless P and Relentless J pickups incorporate Neodymium magnets and produce 70 percent more output than traditional passive pickups, and they’re dead quiet due to the incorporation of metal covers and foil-shielded cables. To dial in (or fine-tune) the individual string output, the Relentless P and Relentless J include eight adjustable pole pieces. These pickups also have a broad magnetic field so you can even bend notes without volume dropout.
DiMarzio’s extra shielding makes the Relentless P and Relentless J better for both recording and stage performances. We’ve mounted them onto robust .09375” thick circuit board base plates to eliminate the annoying protruding mounting screws — ultimately creating a more comfortable and consistent foundation to rest your fingers on.
The new Relentless P steps beyond the traditional P-Bass sound and can only be described as massive. It has more of everything: more volume, beefier lows, a growling midrange, and crispy highs with better individual string definition.
The Relentless J incorporates a new invention, (patent pending) parallelogram-shaped coils, offering an expanded mid-range punch, snappy highs, precise lows, and a new dimension to the sound of the Relentless series pickups.
Relentless P and Relentless J pickups will breathe new life into any bass, increase playability, and work well for any style of music from Motown to metal.
DiMarzio’s Relentless P, Relentless J Bridge, Relentless J Neck, and Relentless J pair are made in the U.S.A. and may now be ordered for immediate delivery.
Suggested List Price for the Relentless P is $169.00 (MAP $119.99).
Suggested List Price for the Relentless J Bridge and Relentless J neck is $155.00 (MAP $109.99).
Suggested List Price for the Relentless J Pair is $296.00 (MAP 209.99).
For more information, please visit our website at dimarzio.com.
Mystery Stocking is coming soon! Sign up for PG Perks below so you don't miss it.
Sign up for PG Perks on the form below to make sure you don't miss the launch announcement!
About Mystery Stocking
Each year, Premier Guitar likes to put out these mystery boxes as a part of bringing some fun to the holiday season. Remember, this is supposed to be a fun holiday treat! If the contents of this box will ruin your holiday, deplete the last of your bank account, or end your ability to see the good in humanity, it may not be for you.
- This year's Mystery Stocking will cost $44.95. ($39.95 + $5 Flat shipping)
- Each box will be guaranteed to contain $40 or more in value.
- US only. (Sorry World.)
- Make sure your shipping address is correct.
- Have your credit card ready to go before you refresh the page. Paypal is not available. Autofill may not fill in your information.
- There will be NO REFUNDS given.
- There has been a huge demand for these in the past. We really did sell out in less than 4 minutes last year. When they are gone, they are gone.
- One per household, one per person.
Q: What's in the Mystery Stocking?
A: It wouldn't be much of a surprise if we told you, now would it?
Q: Will I definitely get my money worth?
Q: Can I return it if I don't like it?
A: Nope. All sales final.
Q: What if I live outside the US?
A: Sorry, US only.
Q. How much is it?
A. $39.95 Plus $5 shipping
Q. When will it ship?
A. On or before December 10, 2022.
Q. What form of payment do you accept?
A. Credit cards only. Sorry, no Paypal for this.
Q. Can I ship to a different location than my billing address?
Q. I tried last year and didn't get one. Will I get one this year?
A. There is an overwhelming demand for Mystery Stocking. Be sure you have a fast internet connection and be ready when they go on sale. Last year we sold out in 3 min 33 seconds.
Q. I want to buy 5. How can I buy 5?
A. You can't. This year, we're limiting to one per household, so more people can get in on the fun!
Featuring the Adaptive Circuitry recently introduced on their Halcyon Green Overdrive, Origin Effects have brought us a pedal with a character all of its own and a new flavor of drive.
Origin Effects introduce the new M-EQ DRIVER mid booster & drive pedal. Based on a vintage Pultec studio EQ, this unique pedal offers a range of mid-focused tones, from a subtle mid boost to thick, resonant overdrive. Featuring the Adaptive Circuitry recently introduced on their Halcyon Green Overdrive, Origin Effects have brought us a pedal with a character all of its own and a new flavor of drive.
A choice of three mid-range frequencies ensures that you can boost just the right part of your guitar signal and, when pushed harder, can elicit a range of saturation from a classic “mid-hump” overdrive to fierce “cocked wah” distortion. Thanks to the Adaptive Circuitry, the high-end roll-off of the Cut control is reduced as the pedal cleans up. This allows for a smooth transition from warm overdrive to bright clean tones in response to playing dynamics or guitar volume knob changes.
Introducing... M-EQ DRIVER || Mid Booster & Drive
Built-in the UK to the highest standards, the M-EQ DRIVER continues the Origin Effects tradition of vintage, studio-inspired tones in modern guitar pedals. The Origin Effects M-EQ DRIVER is available now from Origin Effects dealers worldwide.
RRP: 259 GBP (Inc VAT) / 319 USD (Ex TAX)
For more information, please visit origineffects.com.